What Kind of Parent Do I Want to Be?

Well before starting into the answer to my question I have to apologize for some incorrect information in my previous blog posting. I have to say I truly appreciate the number of you who are reading and screening my postings for accuracy.

Last week at the end of my blog I said that I have 3 months to go before having the baby. I received several calls and several impromptu conversations questioning my math. Actually, the baby is due in 4 months. For those of you who have been through the process of pregnancy you will understand how I got to this error. All of our lives we are taught that humans have a gestational period of 9 months..right? Well, when you get pregnant, that logic goes out the window – you begin to track your pregnancy on a 10 month calendar (which is based on your LMP – look it up for all the guys who have no clue what LMP is.)

So, I am 24 weeks pregnant this week, which seems to translate to 6 months if Mrs. Short taught me how to multiply correctly. But, I forgot to say that this number is based on the 10 month calendar that you are forced to use when pregnant. So, since I am pregnant for 40 weeks, I still have 16 more weeks to go (roughly about 4 months). The baby shouldn’t actually come in April – instead, my due date remains steadfast at May 17th. I just needed to get that off my chest, just in case any of you decide to quite reading my blog because you think I exaggerate too much!

Now to my question of the week – What Kind of Parent Do I Want to Be?

I really had the opportunity to reflect on this over the last week since my parents were here visiting from Virginia. Plus, over the 17 months of parenting Harper, Matt and I have contemplated this very question many times. I think if I were to rewind to early 2005, I would have a very different answer than now. I remember saying “ this baby is coming into our world so it will need to adjust to the things that Matt and I currently do.” WRONG! Before having Harper, we were convinced that we could still have many late nights out with friends, host parties just like we use to and maintain our very active social life. Well, as of August 2005, this notion has changed drastically. Of course, Matt and I could still do all of these things but we have made a conscious choice not to… most of the time.

When you have a child, your life changes. I think those changes are very individual based upon you as a person and the relationship you have with your spouse.

While my parents were here visiting, I had the opportunity to reflect upon my own childhood and have decided that I would like to be a parent much like the way my parents parented me (with a few exceptions!).

Hands On Approach – My parents were both very hands on with us. I don’t ever recall having a babysitter outside of an aunt or grandparent when I was younger. Of course, I see nothing wrong with getting a babysitter on occasion but mom took the approach that there was nothing that couldn’t be done with three kids at your side. Now that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t sometimes difficult, but she loved having us around (and she acts like still does). I have very vivid memories of playing tea party with my mom and her telling us goodnight stories every night before going to bed. When dad wasn’t working, he wanted to make sure that he spent lots of time with us. He taught us how to ride our bikes and let us experience the world with our hands and not just with our eyes. My parents were always comfortable with giving us “public displays of affection” and saying "I love you". Even to this day, there isn’t a time that I get off the phone with mom or dad that they don’t say “I love you”. I saw this with Harper while mom and dad visited. Even when my mom sprained her ankle, she still wanted Harper to stay home from daycare to spend time with them and also to sleep with them at night. They both loved getting on the floor and playing with him at his level. This is one reason that Matt and I try not to make any plans during the week. Since Harper is in daycare all day, we really try hard to devote the rest of the evening playing one on one with him. Our free time is now his time – and we both get so much joy out of our interactions.

Appreciate the Small Things- This probably came out of the fact that we did not have a great deal of extra money when we were younger. My dad worked hard so that my mom could stay home with us, which often meant there wasn’t much room for the extras. But, looking back, some of my fondest memories are all the small things that didn’t cost anything. I remember my parents letting me invite over 10 or so friends to sleep in tents in the backyard and all of us girls getting very scared as soon as it went dark and dad coming out and sleeping in the tent with us. I remember dad hooking up a small wagon to the back of the lawn mower and taking all of us and the neighbor kids with our baby dolls on a “hay ride” and I remember always having bonfires in the backyard where we would roast marshmallows and hotdogs for no special occasion. I think the small things are what we remember. Of course, like any child, Harper has lots of fancy toys, but I think he likes it most when he can play with pots and pans, jump on the bed, and eat snow. I love taking him back to VA where things are a lot simpler and he can feed the animals in the barn, go on hayrides and experience a less fast paced life than he is exposed to on a daily basis in Salt Lake. In our busy world, it is so important to remember to stop and do these things. I truly believe that they build lasting memories and develop creativity.

Open / Honest Relationship- In the Collier house secrets were taboo. My parents probably told us too much rather than too little. Not too long ago, mom and I were talking about families with lots of skeletons in the closet and my mom said the most classic line. She said “you know, we have skeletons in our closet too, but we just take them out and play with them.” That is so true – like any family we have very weird things that have happened and still do but we have always been open and honest. My mom never kept anything from my dad. Of course when we were younger I think I would have preferred that she not share some things with dad – like bad grades or a sassy mouth – but mom always told dad! I like this approach now that I am older – I think openness is a cleansing process. Matt and I have always tried to be like this in our own relationship and want to continue this approach with the kids. I’m sure there will be lots of times where it would be easier for Matt to keep things from me or vice versa but I really think it is so much better to keep everyone in the know.

A Home Filled With Laughter- I truly live by the mantra that “laughter is the best medicine”. Growing up, I always remember sitting around the table with friends and family listening to old stories and laughing a lot. We were even good sports about laughing at ourselves. I have found in my adult life that finding a way to laugh in a difficult situation is one of the best ways to relieve stress. No matter how bad things can get, there is always something funny to be found. While Mom was visiting this past week, she fell down the stairs and sprained her ankle really bad. Now most normal families probably would not think this was funny, but within a ½ hour we were all trying to help mom get through the pain by finding things that were funny with the situation (probably more me than anyone!). Matt and I really want both Harper and BB to be surrounded by laughter and incorporate it in their own lives. So far, Harper is doing a great job because for the past several nights he has even been laughing in his sleep!

A Sparkle in My Eye- Above all, I want Harper and BB to see a sparkle in our eye when they are around. I want them to know they bring so much joy to our lives. Even growing up, I never got the feeling from my parents that they would rather be doing something else when they were with us. I’m sure in the back of their minds, there were many chores to complete, many projects to start and many errands to be run but I never knew it. This is the kind of parent I want to be. I want Harper and BB to know that there is nothing that can’t wait except for the time that we spend with them.

Of course, like everyone, my childhood wasn’t perfect. But as I look back, I really feel that my parents gave me a great foundation and I am who I am because of them. When I was younger I didn’t appreciate the fact that they expected me to do well in school, they wanted to know my friends and what we were doing, they made rules and enforced them and they demanded respect. But, now I see all of the reason why they did it. It built structure, character and independence. I just want to say thanks to mom and dad and I can only hope that my children will look at me as fondly and lovingly as I do both of them.

That is the kind of parent I want to be…….

Feeling a Little Faint

Week 23 and for the most part, I am still feeling really good and trying to enjoy the small luxuries of the second trimester. I did have one interesting spell last week that occurred at the most inopportune time. As I have mentioned in a previous blog posting, I started a new job about a month ago and with any new role, you spend the first few months trying to define yourself in the department and truly understand what your purpose is. During a recent off-site planning meeting (that occurred at my boss’s house), I had a near fainting episode.

The meeting started at 8am and I had shared two pop-tarts with Harper as I was taking him to daycare earlier in the morning – yes, I know, not the breakfast of champions for mother, child or unborn babe – but, they are good, easy to make and Harper and I both love them. Harper actually calls them a “cookie” – which probably accurately defines their nutritional value. When I arrived at our team’s planning meeting, I also helped myself to some grapes and a cinnamon bun to get the meeting started (afterall, I am pregnant and I have told you before that I feel hungry again within ½ hour of eating). Just as we started the meeting, I began to feel really dizzy and uncomfortable. At first, I thought I was experiencing a little bit of anxiety but I kept asking myself “What am I nervous about? Why is my heart racing as if I have just seen a rabid Doberman pincher?” I took a drink of water, adjusted myself in my chair and continued to eat my grapes thinking I could shake the feeling.

My boss was standing up talking about our 2007 goals and the feeling began to intensify. All of a sudden my ears started ringing and my boss started sounding a lot like Charlie Brown’s teacher “waa, whont, waa, whont, waa, whont”. Then, everything started going fuzzy – so I thought I better tell everyone about my situation before I end up on the floor. So, in the middle of her conversation, I yelled out “I THINK I AM GOING TO PASS OUT”. I’m glad I don’t remember what anyone’s reaction was because I’m sure they were wondering what the hell was going on. For some dumb reason, I got up out of my chair and began stumbling like a drunken sailor across her living room floor until I landed (or was assisted – I don’t recall) to her comfy armchair and ottoman. By this time, I felt nauseasous and pale as ghost. Of course everyone had this stunned look on their face and wondered if they should call 911. Thank goodness I had told the rest of the team last week that I was pregnant, just in case there was any misconception regarding the reason I was getting really chunky and enjoying wearing longer shirts that resemble a lamp shade. So, at least, everyone had a frame of reference to understand why this might be happening.

Since I am new in the department and I didn’t want to prolong the disturbance that I had caused, I tried to collect myself and told them I would be okay if I could just get a cold wet wash cloth to put on my face. This seemed to work for a little bit and the meeting carried on with everyone looking over at me in the armchair on occasion to make sure I hadn’t died. I even tried to offer insight in the conversation to assure everyone that I would be fine. But, within about 15 minutes, it happened again and I knew that I was done for the day. For some really unexplainable reason (oh wait, it might be my unstable hormones) – I even started crying and asked someone to get my cellphone so I could call Matt to come get me. I felt like an elementary school kid crying for their mommy to come pick them up. Glad I work for Human Resources because our group is very use to dealing with unstable people on a regular basis – so at least it wasn’t totally foreign to them. But, I am sure that they don’t see their work colleagues cry a lot, so this was something new! I really hope this is not a defining moment of my career.

Because my boss only lives a few blocks from our house, Matt was there in a split second. Of course he was very worried and had me call my doctor. It seems that I might have had a real surge in my blood sugar which caused this reaction. Well, duh, no wonder, I probably ate 10 cups of sugar over the course of the 1st hour of my day. The nurse just told me to lay down for a bit and drink some juice (more sugar!) and see how I felt in an hour or so. Well, I laid down and slept like a baby for almost 3 ½ hours. Not sure if that was a symptom of my current problem or a collective symptom of not having a full night’s sleep since early 2005 or maybe I just enjoyed having the bed all to myself for the first time since October 2005. Either way, I woke up around 1 pm starving and made myself some lunch – so, I knew BB and I were going to be okay.

Luckily, it hasn’t happened again and honestly, I hope it doesn’t (at least in a public setting). Most of all, I think my work colleagues are very understanding and don’t think they have made the most bizarre hire to the department. But, then again, I still have 3 more months to go – who knows what could happen next!

Half Way There

I can’t believe my pregnancy is more than half way over. I am going into my 22nd week and I have gained 7 lbs total. On my last appointment (Friday) I had gained 4 pounds from the previous month. Pretty good for the holidays. I’m starting to wonder if their scales are incorrect because I swear I have been eating LOTS! I haven’t been holding back one bit.

Sorry I haven’t posted for the last couple of weeks but things have been very hectic with the holidays (as all of you probably can attest). Plus, I started my new job and I have been so tired – too much thinking and learning for a 5 month pregnant lady . I have begun to settle into my new position and my tummy is really growing. So even if I wanted to hide the fact that I’m having another, there is no way of doing it! On top of that, once you tell a few key people the news, it spreads like wildfire. I am now completely out of my “normal” clothes and fully into my maternity wardrobe. So, unlike the days of having tons to choose from in my closet, I now just pick between a few items. It really doesn’t make for any excitement in the mornings – but, at least there isn’t much debate about what to wear.

I only have one more monthly appointment and then I start going to the doctor every other week. On January 31st, I will be having another ultrasound. I guess during my previous one, BB was moving around way too much and they were unable to get the measurements they needed for his spine, stomach and heart. Of course the doctor says everything appears to be fine – he has a strong heart beat and his movements are VERY energetic – but it still gives you something to worry about.

Other than that, things are moving along well. I still have heartburn – I have even progressed to popping TUMS before lunch rather than waiting until after I eat. I still have a bit of carpal tunnel and sleeping on my back is nearly impossible because I wake up feeling like what a caveman must have felt like – it takes me several minutes to straighten upright and walk. Food is still the most important thought of my day and I occasionally have a few crying episodes when things don’t go my way – all very common symptoms at this point.

Matt and I have started the tedious task of picking out a name – maybe more me than Matt. Of course I have been scouring through name list after name list and writing down all the names that I like. I read them to Matt and he usually says “NO WAY” more than “YES” or “MAYBE” - I keep telling him that he needs to make a list too but he still feels we have plenty of time…. typical guy! We both wonder what the protocol is for stealing a name of someone that you barely know. We really like the name of a little boy in Harper’s daycare class but know that if we use it, it is going to be obvious we didn’t think of it on our own. It is just unique enough that we could be labeled as thieves. I keep thinking it should be a complement to the mother but you never know about people’s personalities. Some people act as if they have taken a patent out on a name and it can’t be used by anyone else. So, it remains on the “Yes” list as we continue to research what our obligations are to those we don’t even really know (just kidding about this part).

Well, I hope the new year has brought each of you good cheer and you haven’t broken too many of your resolutions. I decided not to make any resolutions this year because I figured I already had too much on my plate and didn’t want to give myself anything more to be stressed about….. although I really need to get cracking on that thesis!