What Kind of Parent Do I Want to Be?

Well before starting into the answer to my question I have to apologize for some incorrect information in my previous blog posting. I have to say I truly appreciate the number of you who are reading and screening my postings for accuracy.

Last week at the end of my blog I said that I have 3 months to go before having the baby. I received several calls and several impromptu conversations questioning my math. Actually, the baby is due in 4 months. For those of you who have been through the process of pregnancy you will understand how I got to this error. All of our lives we are taught that humans have a gestational period of 9 months..right? Well, when you get pregnant, that logic goes out the window – you begin to track your pregnancy on a 10 month calendar (which is based on your LMP – look it up for all the guys who have no clue what LMP is.)

So, I am 24 weeks pregnant this week, which seems to translate to 6 months if Mrs. Short taught me how to multiply correctly. But, I forgot to say that this number is based on the 10 month calendar that you are forced to use when pregnant. So, since I am pregnant for 40 weeks, I still have 16 more weeks to go (roughly about 4 months). The baby shouldn’t actually come in April – instead, my due date remains steadfast at May 17th. I just needed to get that off my chest, just in case any of you decide to quite reading my blog because you think I exaggerate too much!

Now to my question of the week – What Kind of Parent Do I Want to Be?

I really had the opportunity to reflect on this over the last week since my parents were here visiting from Virginia. Plus, over the 17 months of parenting Harper, Matt and I have contemplated this very question many times. I think if I were to rewind to early 2005, I would have a very different answer than now. I remember saying “ this baby is coming into our world so it will need to adjust to the things that Matt and I currently do.” WRONG! Before having Harper, we were convinced that we could still have many late nights out with friends, host parties just like we use to and maintain our very active social life. Well, as of August 2005, this notion has changed drastically. Of course, Matt and I could still do all of these things but we have made a conscious choice not to… most of the time.

When you have a child, your life changes. I think those changes are very individual based upon you as a person and the relationship you have with your spouse.

While my parents were here visiting, I had the opportunity to reflect upon my own childhood and have decided that I would like to be a parent much like the way my parents parented me (with a few exceptions!).

Hands On Approach – My parents were both very hands on with us. I don’t ever recall having a babysitter outside of an aunt or grandparent when I was younger. Of course, I see nothing wrong with getting a babysitter on occasion but mom took the approach that there was nothing that couldn’t be done with three kids at your side. Now that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t sometimes difficult, but she loved having us around (and she acts like still does). I have very vivid memories of playing tea party with my mom and her telling us goodnight stories every night before going to bed. When dad wasn’t working, he wanted to make sure that he spent lots of time with us. He taught us how to ride our bikes and let us experience the world with our hands and not just with our eyes. My parents were always comfortable with giving us “public displays of affection” and saying "I love you". Even to this day, there isn’t a time that I get off the phone with mom or dad that they don’t say “I love you”. I saw this with Harper while mom and dad visited. Even when my mom sprained her ankle, she still wanted Harper to stay home from daycare to spend time with them and also to sleep with them at night. They both loved getting on the floor and playing with him at his level. This is one reason that Matt and I try not to make any plans during the week. Since Harper is in daycare all day, we really try hard to devote the rest of the evening playing one on one with him. Our free time is now his time – and we both get so much joy out of our interactions.

Appreciate the Small Things- This probably came out of the fact that we did not have a great deal of extra money when we were younger. My dad worked hard so that my mom could stay home with us, which often meant there wasn’t much room for the extras. But, looking back, some of my fondest memories are all the small things that didn’t cost anything. I remember my parents letting me invite over 10 or so friends to sleep in tents in the backyard and all of us girls getting very scared as soon as it went dark and dad coming out and sleeping in the tent with us. I remember dad hooking up a small wagon to the back of the lawn mower and taking all of us and the neighbor kids with our baby dolls on a “hay ride” and I remember always having bonfires in the backyard where we would roast marshmallows and hotdogs for no special occasion. I think the small things are what we remember. Of course, like any child, Harper has lots of fancy toys, but I think he likes it most when he can play with pots and pans, jump on the bed, and eat snow. I love taking him back to VA where things are a lot simpler and he can feed the animals in the barn, go on hayrides and experience a less fast paced life than he is exposed to on a daily basis in Salt Lake. In our busy world, it is so important to remember to stop and do these things. I truly believe that they build lasting memories and develop creativity.

Open / Honest Relationship- In the Collier house secrets were taboo. My parents probably told us too much rather than too little. Not too long ago, mom and I were talking about families with lots of skeletons in the closet and my mom said the most classic line. She said “you know, we have skeletons in our closet too, but we just take them out and play with them.” That is so true – like any family we have very weird things that have happened and still do but we have always been open and honest. My mom never kept anything from my dad. Of course when we were younger I think I would have preferred that she not share some things with dad – like bad grades or a sassy mouth – but mom always told dad! I like this approach now that I am older – I think openness is a cleansing process. Matt and I have always tried to be like this in our own relationship and want to continue this approach with the kids. I’m sure there will be lots of times where it would be easier for Matt to keep things from me or vice versa but I really think it is so much better to keep everyone in the know.

A Home Filled With Laughter- I truly live by the mantra that “laughter is the best medicine”. Growing up, I always remember sitting around the table with friends and family listening to old stories and laughing a lot. We were even good sports about laughing at ourselves. I have found in my adult life that finding a way to laugh in a difficult situation is one of the best ways to relieve stress. No matter how bad things can get, there is always something funny to be found. While Mom was visiting this past week, she fell down the stairs and sprained her ankle really bad. Now most normal families probably would not think this was funny, but within a ½ hour we were all trying to help mom get through the pain by finding things that were funny with the situation (probably more me than anyone!). Matt and I really want both Harper and BB to be surrounded by laughter and incorporate it in their own lives. So far, Harper is doing a great job because for the past several nights he has even been laughing in his sleep!

A Sparkle in My Eye- Above all, I want Harper and BB to see a sparkle in our eye when they are around. I want them to know they bring so much joy to our lives. Even growing up, I never got the feeling from my parents that they would rather be doing something else when they were with us. I’m sure in the back of their minds, there were many chores to complete, many projects to start and many errands to be run but I never knew it. This is the kind of parent I want to be. I want Harper and BB to know that there is nothing that can’t wait except for the time that we spend with them.

Of course, like everyone, my childhood wasn’t perfect. But as I look back, I really feel that my parents gave me a great foundation and I am who I am because of them. When I was younger I didn’t appreciate the fact that they expected me to do well in school, they wanted to know my friends and what we were doing, they made rules and enforced them and they demanded respect. But, now I see all of the reason why they did it. It built structure, character and independence. I just want to say thanks to mom and dad and I can only hope that my children will look at me as fondly and lovingly as I do both of them.

That is the kind of parent I want to be…….