Many of you who are faithful readers of the blog often get to hear me talk about my hometown but will probably never have the chance to visit. Although life in Wise, VA is similar to many small towns in the country, it is so different than where I live now. For those of you who can't relate, I have created a Top 10 list of my most recent observations to try and create some clarity around its uniqueness.... here it goes:
Wise is the kind of place where......
10. The local gas station billboard lists the price of only 2 of the 3 grades of gasoline. The 3rd spot is saved for the price of cigarettes.
9. Bringing out your "out of state" ID requires a great deal of explaining of what you are doing in this "neck of the woods". While trying to buy a fishing license, the young girl behind the counter gives Matt a puzzled look and says in her cutest accent, "You must hate it here.". The most popular response (or question) to a Utah driver's license in this part of the country is "So, are you Mormon?" I think Mitt Romney has put a new face on Mormonism - before his run for presidency, people in the south had a whole different picture of what a "mormon" looked like. The only other comparison in their minds were the Amish. Afterall, my first question upon arriving to Salt Lake 13 years ago was "where can I go see the Mormons?" The nice lady who answered said "Not very far, you are looking at one now."
8. In a conversation with another female adult it doesn't take you long to realize that the constant referral to "Baby" is not to the infant you have in tow but instead to you.... the adult. It is not uncommon to be referred to as "Baby" as a term of endearment. Such as, "Baby how have you been." "Well, baby, you are looking good these days." It takes other familiar terms like 'honey" and "sweetie" to a whole new level.
7. While sitting in the waiting room at the doctor's office you can easily make a new best friend with the stranger sitting next to you. Today while waiting to see a doctor for Collier's ear infection, a very nice lady decides to share with mom and I her labor and delivery stories of both of her children. I know that her water broke soon after walking home from her church's revival service (which she felt had gone on too long). I know that by the time she got to the hospital she had dilated to a 7 and it was too late to get an epidural. I know that her daughter's name is a combination of her name and her mother's name and the child's initials spell DEB which was her deceased sister's name. I know that she was born at 3:13am which was her mother's birthday (March 13th) and I know that the child was born on May 9th which was her other sister's 50th birthday. In her mind, none of these things were coincidences. I know that had the nurse not called our name, I would have known all of the details of her divorce and remarriage that she had just begun to speak of.
6. The Easter message at church makes reference to God seeing no difference between various levels of sins. According to the minister, taste testing grapes at the grocery store bears the same weight as murder. Wow, in that case, Charles Manson can't even hold a candle to the sins that I have committed during my many grocery store massacres. I can't even imagine what would happen to those people who decide to take a "doggy" bag from a buffet.
5. The sound of a shot gun blast turns out to be the neighbor having target practice off his front porch.
4. At one of the "premiere" hair salons in town, the head hair dresser dips skoal and spits into a large plastic tumbler while he cuts and colors his client's hair. No one in the joint seems to think this is out of place.
3. A cobb salad at the local Dari Barn contains fried cheese bits, fried okra, fried broccoli, and everything else fried they can find in the kitchen. "Cobb" seems to be a misused title for this salad because there is no hint of egg, blue cheese or any of the other similarities to cobb salads across the nation.
2. The sound of sirens sends a frenzy throughout the neighborhood. Neighbors begin calling other neighbors until the victim is identified and all information about their condition is collected in morbid detail. Sadly in this situation, a young guy has taken a shot gun out to the hen house to take out some pesty opossums that continue to hassle his chickens. Unfortunately upon his return to the house, it appears he tripped coming up the stairs and accidentally activates the trigger and blows a fatal hole through his abdomen. Even more sad is the young wife and children he leaves behind. Amazingly enough, it only takes one phone call and about 10 minutes to find out all of this detail.
1. Shopping at Wal-mart one of the employees makes a reminder call over the PA system with the following message, "Wal-mart shoppers we would like to remind you that Wal-mart is now a smoke free business. Please do not smoke inside of the store. If you need to do so, there are ashtrays just outside of the doorway. Thank you for shopping at Wal-mart" I think this was the kinder gentler way of reminding Randy to stop smoking on aisle 12 - like he does at every store. But, I don't think Randy gives a crap about the 18 year old on the PA system who is trying to take away his god-given right of lighting up anywhere he damn well pleases.
I hope it doesn't come off as "making fun of" Wise because that is not my intention. I could probably come up with an equally funny top 10 of Salt Lake, but I just don't think it would be as interesting. Even with all of its idiosyncrasies, it was a good place to grow up. It is still the place I call home and most of all, it is still a large source of my entertainment.
I have tons of pictures I will post when I get back to Salt Lake. Since I am writing this at midnight in a hotel in Louisville, KY I don't have the easiest access to download all of the great pictures. Although the kids had a great time we are crossing our fingers for a good flight because it seems we have all caught a nasty sinus cold at varying levels.
9. Bringing out your "out of state" ID requires a great deal of explaining of what you are doing in this "neck of the woods". While trying to buy a fishing license, the young girl behind the counter gives Matt a puzzled look and says in her cutest accent, "You must hate it here.". The most popular response (or question) to a Utah driver's license in this part of the country is "So, are you Mormon?" I think Mitt Romney has put a new face on Mormonism - before his run for presidency, people in the south had a whole different picture of what a "mormon" looked like. The only other comparison in their minds were the Amish. Afterall, my first question upon arriving to Salt Lake 13 years ago was "where can I go see the Mormons?" The nice lady who answered said "Not very far, you are looking at one now."
8. In a conversation with another female adult it doesn't take you long to realize that the constant referral to "Baby" is not to the infant you have in tow but instead to you.... the adult. It is not uncommon to be referred to as "Baby" as a term of endearment. Such as, "Baby how have you been." "Well, baby, you are looking good these days." It takes other familiar terms like 'honey" and "sweetie" to a whole new level.
7. While sitting in the waiting room at the doctor's office you can easily make a new best friend with the stranger sitting next to you. Today while waiting to see a doctor for Collier's ear infection, a very nice lady decides to share with mom and I her labor and delivery stories of both of her children. I know that her water broke soon after walking home from her church's revival service (which she felt had gone on too long). I know that by the time she got to the hospital she had dilated to a 7 and it was too late to get an epidural. I know that her daughter's name is a combination of her name and her mother's name and the child's initials spell DEB which was her deceased sister's name. I know that she was born at 3:13am which was her mother's birthday (March 13th) and I know that the child was born on May 9th which was her other sister's 50th birthday. In her mind, none of these things were coincidences. I know that had the nurse not called our name, I would have known all of the details of her divorce and remarriage that she had just begun to speak of.
6. The Easter message at church makes reference to God seeing no difference between various levels of sins. According to the minister, taste testing grapes at the grocery store bears the same weight as murder. Wow, in that case, Charles Manson can't even hold a candle to the sins that I have committed during my many grocery store massacres. I can't even imagine what would happen to those people who decide to take a "doggy" bag from a buffet.
5. The sound of a shot gun blast turns out to be the neighbor having target practice off his front porch.
4. At one of the "premiere" hair salons in town, the head hair dresser dips skoal and spits into a large plastic tumbler while he cuts and colors his client's hair. No one in the joint seems to think this is out of place.
3. A cobb salad at the local Dari Barn contains fried cheese bits, fried okra, fried broccoli, and everything else fried they can find in the kitchen. "Cobb" seems to be a misused title for this salad because there is no hint of egg, blue cheese or any of the other similarities to cobb salads across the nation.
2. The sound of sirens sends a frenzy throughout the neighborhood. Neighbors begin calling other neighbors until the victim is identified and all information about their condition is collected in morbid detail. Sadly in this situation, a young guy has taken a shot gun out to the hen house to take out some pesty opossums that continue to hassle his chickens. Unfortunately upon his return to the house, it appears he tripped coming up the stairs and accidentally activates the trigger and blows a fatal hole through his abdomen. Even more sad is the young wife and children he leaves behind. Amazingly enough, it only takes one phone call and about 10 minutes to find out all of this detail.
1. Shopping at Wal-mart one of the employees makes a reminder call over the PA system with the following message, "Wal-mart shoppers we would like to remind you that Wal-mart is now a smoke free business. Please do not smoke inside of the store. If you need to do so, there are ashtrays just outside of the doorway. Thank you for shopping at Wal-mart" I think this was the kinder gentler way of reminding Randy to stop smoking on aisle 12 - like he does at every store. But, I don't think Randy gives a crap about the 18 year old on the PA system who is trying to take away his god-given right of lighting up anywhere he damn well pleases.
I hope it doesn't come off as "making fun of" Wise because that is not my intention. I could probably come up with an equally funny top 10 of Salt Lake, but I just don't think it would be as interesting. Even with all of its idiosyncrasies, it was a good place to grow up. It is still the place I call home and most of all, it is still a large source of my entertainment.
I have tons of pictures I will post when I get back to Salt Lake. Since I am writing this at midnight in a hotel in Louisville, KY I don't have the easiest access to download all of the great pictures. Although the kids had a great time we are crossing our fingers for a good flight because it seems we have all caught a nasty sinus cold at varying levels.
1 comment:
Geeze that makes Billings seem like Beverly Hills. - Scott
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